AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
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My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!