AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
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Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.