AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
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Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
