AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
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Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
😂🍻
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.