Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”

My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.