AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
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Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”