AI girlfriend leaving me for other creepy weirdo.
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Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
🏙👨🏼
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.