“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
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If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
23. the denim jacket
