“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
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7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
wow he looks just like him
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”