“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
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Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”
– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no