Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

where’s Godzilla when we need him

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.