“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
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I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.