Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Covid like

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today