Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?

Wife: *pumps shotgun*

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

Fabio hasn’t aged a day

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

me: anything interesting happen today?

my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.