“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
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Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
when there are deer in the woods
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Huge, if true.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly