Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

Me: I’m ghosting him.

Her: You stopped talking to him?

Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.