“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
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when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
can’t catch a break
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD