“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
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*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.