AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
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Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
They’re on their honeymoon
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
A comic by Dan Piraro
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve