AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
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*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.