AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
![]()
You Might Also Like
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
![]()
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
![]()
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
![]()
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
And they lived apathetically ever after.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.