AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
You Might Also Like
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends