Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals

Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….

over 7k tabs down the drain….

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.

BAILIFF: Your FULL name.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

Just as the prophecy foretold

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”

– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

What do you text your spouse?

When I can’t barge, I careen.

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.