Aight bet
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Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
S O O N
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in