Aight bet
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I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
2022 be like
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.