Aight bet
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being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool