Aight bet
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So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?