“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
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Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
December birthdays be like…
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.