“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
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ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
Natty or not?
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN