“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
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I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.