“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
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I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
hey, alexa
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people