aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)
You Might Also Like
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
🧠
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call