aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)
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Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
yeah not falling for this one
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.