Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

$175 an hour, $175 an hour…

– my therapist’s notes

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend