Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”