Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?