Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
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I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
