Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

ㅤ

[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

We need to put an American base on the sun

Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

back to work

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

I just saw three bowls of dessert.

I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun

Toddler: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish cakes.

Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: ……. Sure.

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

What do we want?!

A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!

When do we want it?!

NOW!

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars