Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?

Me: they’re articles of clothing