Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭

I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.

*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other

I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?

me: what’s your favorite part of fall?

4: jumping in piles of leaves

me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?

4: money

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!

MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life