Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
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COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Stick it to the man
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.