Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.