Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
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My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
