Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
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Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
bury ourselves
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
multitasking lunch
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse