Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
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*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
We have a winner.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.