Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented

Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?

Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.

I like how “not my circus, not my monkeys” softly implies that you DO have a circus—perhaps even complete with monkeys—but this isn’t it

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.