Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole

There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO