Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
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if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Stop being racist to kettles.
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
