Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
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May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
honestly, i need both:
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*