Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
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Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
my dog when i have a friend over
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Nice try, NASA
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t