Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
You Might Also Like
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Birds & Planes.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.