Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷‍♀️

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

*eats only grass-fed donuts

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

Cndnsd Mlk

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance

hear me out : pockets for your socks

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:

Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!

Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time