Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
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Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
My dryer is celebrating lint.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”