Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.

Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person