Ain’t no way
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[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email