Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.

Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.

Daughter:

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.