Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

Yeah. This was me today.

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

Put the is in disheveled

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.