Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
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[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here