Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
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Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
The United Steaks of America
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*