Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
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Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
BETRAYAL
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green