Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
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The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
It’s that simple 👊🏻
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
This guy gets it.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.