Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.

Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.

Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.