Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.

Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays

April 1st is the class clown of days.

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

PLOT TWIST:

A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.

Robin: Great!

Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.

Robin: Ummm….

Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.