Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

God: Come see this.

Angel: What is it?

God: It’s the human lifespan.

Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!

God: Fun right? Watch this.

Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?

God: I call it, 35.

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

A ghost story

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

I love you…

…r dog.

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow