Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
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witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
We’ve all been there
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Yup
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”