Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

I’m a bad bitch. Truly exceptional at being bad at everything.

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin

6: you’ll always be my mom right?

me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!

6: what if you’re dead

me: wtf

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.