Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

Fiction has to make sense.

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”

friend: “what did you learn today?”

me: “guitar”

friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”

me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”

friend:

me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?