Air conditioning – not a fan
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What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.