Air conditioning – not a fan
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Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
drew a comic about my origin story
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Finally!
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.