Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
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Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
weird email i got today
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday