Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
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Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
hear me out : pockets for your socks
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Nose
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?