Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

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Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE


Jellyfish are PEACEFUL


Octopi are VERY SMART


Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?

Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.

Tween: Nevermind.


Her: Are you even listening to me or are you just tweeting?
Me: Yes sweetie, I hate her too.


Opens a sperm bank that only accepts redheaded donors….

The Ginger Bred House.


Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.


PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan


Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.


For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.


Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.