Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
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The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Have a lovely day 😊
A leaf blower, but for people.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Me My dog