Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
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Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
