air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
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It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*