Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.